My story: Bekah

Growing up going to church was more of an expectation than an option. Dad was a minister so I felt as though people saw my three sisters and I as ones who knew a lot about the Bible, who God was and so on. However, that's not the case. In Sunday school John 3:16 was often a verse that we would go over, but I never really dug deep and understood the meaning of that verse.

From a young age, I always felt different from the rest of my three sisters, at least that's how I saw myself, which led to feelings of insecurity, and loneliness. It really started to hit me that I was “different” when we moved to a new province when I was just six. Transitioning to a new school was an anxious enough feeling, but not understanding why teachers and people didn't get me was a whole different feeling, and that was just the beginning. Moving back to the Island the next year, again starting at a new school, brought along similar feelings. Will people accept me? What do I have to do in order to get that feeling of acceptance? What can I change so that people will accept me? Those questions popped into my head almost daily for my whole school life. I remember sitting in my sixth grade class, and the teacher just saying "Bekah what is wrong? I don't understand whats going on", and in my head I thought the same thing. At that moment I knew something was up, focusing became more difficult, trying to understand, but my brain would be whizzing at a million miles per hour, LIKE CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEASE!

A year later, my confidence took a real dip. I was now the girl with braces and glasses, a diagnosis of ADHD and a learning disability in math and science, and borderline auditory processing. So, okay, let me just put that all together, I was the girl with glasses and braces and ADHD, and a learning disability, wow that's a lot to take in. "I'm not good enough" is a thought that played over and over again in my head. I was so thrilled if I got 60% or above on a test, but if that was my sister, mom and dad would be disappointed. This led to thoughts like "oh, are they just saying good job to make me feel better just because i had a learning disability?" I was kind of angered and confused. 

At the age of 14, I thought I finally found my outlet. I was finally freed from all those feelings.. not exactly. I started to watch porn for hours at a time, hiding in my bedroom in the dark, I finally felt “good”. There would be nights where I literally stayed up all night. This porn watching didn't last just a few months, I found myself using it as a coping mechanism for 3 whole years. This habit was causing so much guilt and shame deep down. It wasn't until March of 2015 that my mindset just switched. I was attending a winter camp, and there was a minister speaking on how God will provide, and how we are so much better than our past mistakes. I was finally set free. However, I thought God would just take all those hurtful feelings away, all the guilt away, all the shame, without me putting any effort in. That's not how it works, unfortunately. My husband once gave me the analogy that Sidney Crosby didn't win the Stanley Cup on his own, Sidney Crosby helped his team win, so why should we feel like God has to win our Stanley Cup on his own? 

We're going to fast forward to the end of the summer in 2015. Life was good, I had worked full time in the summer, was attending college orientation, met a boy- what more could one ask for? It was the last day of orientation for college, and I met this boy, who at the time I thought was attractive, and seemed to be a nice guy. Things quickly changed. One day he decided to take me back to his dorm, so we could just “chill”. Looking back, I often think to myself how could I be so silly? So we got to his dorm and  that's when he began to sexually assault me. At that moment, I felt trapped. I so badly wanted to scream, but I was frozen by fear. All of a sudden he stopped and left me lying on the bed helpless, so confused, and asking myself, did that just happen? I think i just got sexually assaulted. I remember Dad trying to call me so many times, and i wasn't picking up. I so badly wanted to tell him what had happened, but couldn't find the words to say. I was so hurt, so confused, so disgusted, so angry, and so tired. Where was God when all this happened? Why would he let this happen? I thought he was supposed to look after his children. I felt so bad for myself, I started to grow angry with God- until one day I hit my breaking point. I asked my oldest sister if we could go for a drive and chat, so we did. I told her what had happened and I remember her warm embrace, and her wise words “you are God’s masterpiece, and no matter how many times someone leaves a mark on you, God does not love you any less, and you are still God’s beautiful masterpiece”. Those are words that will stick with me for an eternity- they are the words that set me free.

While coming to terms with the assault, I met my soulmate. He came into my life when all those feelings were still so raw and just in time. He stood by me and loved me through the pain, darkness, and suffering that came with that season. As we started opening up to one another, it turned out we shared a similar story, and that's why God put us together. It was evident that God was speaking through him, to try to get through to me, that "hey listen, what happened in the past is in the past and it doesn't define who you are."

As time went on, I went through a season of denial telling myself, “you're fine, that wouldn't happen to me, you only see and hear of those things on the news, it's your fault that you went back with him". I became numb to the pain, and thought that the what I was thinking was normal. Having used food as something to shove the pain down, and to only have that temporary feeling of joy, I experienced more harm than good. It not only caused weight gain and a heart rate that was way too high, but insecurity yet again presented itself.

It wasn’t until about September of 2019 that I had enough with that feeling of loneliness. Enough of letting my fears take hold, I already let Satan control my life for too long, and I was done with him and his negative energy. I picked up my bible and my devotional book one day, for the first time in a long time, and felt that freedom I had been longing for. I felt like God filled my heart up and renewed my soul. I just remember one day when I was reading my devo, it hit me, "oh my gosh he cares, he is real". God met me where I was at. He doesn’t love me any less or anymore than when I was so broken. That’s what baffles my mind- we have a God who is so consistent, persistent, a God who walks us through those tough seasons, through hills, through valleys, even when we feel like we are alone. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US! That to me is so refreshing to hear. 

You see my friends, we have a choice to make from the moment we get up to the moment we go to bed. We all have purpose. God did NOT put us on this earth to hurt, to suffer, to feel anxious, afraid, lonely; He knows us and has known us since before we were born. We are his beautiful masterpiece, no matter how many times someone marks all over our canvas, just remember you are NEVER alone.

This is my story and I pray it inspires you.

Bekah

Romans 8:29